Seasons of Life

In January, my long marriage flew wholly off the rails after grinding along for awhile. It wasn't because of having kids--we adore them, we adore parenting them together (most of the time). In fact, we adore them so much it has been easier to focus on them than the worn spots in our relationship or our individual psyches. The why will be saved for another time, but we have both been working hard at it after a few months in which we had to decide if it was worth trying at all.

Last weekend, we did a family photo shoot with two amazing photographers, Sara and Scott. It has been a dream of mine for awhile. I had a list (yes, I'm a little type-A) of the photos I wanted. I waffled up until the last minute of whether I needed to let the photographers know I was ambivalent about pictures of me and the husband or, truth be told, of all four of us together.

I needn't have worried. These are consummate seers: they captured what was there. What I see is a family where there's lots of love, two people who adore parenting their kids, two astonishingly gorgeous and secure and lively (in their own two different ways) children. These pictures gave me so much hope. First, because our kids look whole and healthy--a small grace note amidst the effort we've made to ensure our rough patch hasn't damaged them forever. There is not much couple-ness in these pictures, but that feels true and right. We have been bruised and are rebuilding that. But it also helps me see why family can tug at the couple strings: there is simply so much to do to build that larger unit, two little people who need attending to, that you are--literally--called in two different directions. I am proud that we give our little ones one-to-one and sometimes two-to-one attention, and the reality of that is this: we get less of each other. It's not bad, it just is. This is the season we are in. But we must be in that season mindfully, or risk running off the rails again. No marriage can afford to go on autopilot. As my Friend A and DH say, we will be all that's left of this once these two little people launch themselves into the world, so they can't get all we have.

The family pics also tell me this: this is why it's worth trying. Together, we are the N's. It started with a marriage, but now it is something so much larger than that. In my darkest, most selfish, most agonized moments, I had friends who reminded me of that when I couldn't feel it--that the family alone was a reason to try. I'm thankful for that.